Snape the Substitute
by avishez
Summary: We all know that Snape and Muggles don't mix, but what would happen if he was forced to substitute at a muggle primary school for no less than a couple of months? And what would happen to Hogwarts' Potions lessons while he was away? [WARNING: some OOC since story includes the Muggle world]
1. Chapter 1: Early Morning News

hey! so basically I got this random idea to put Snape as a substitute Chemistry/Science teacher at an elementary Muggle school and thus *this* emerged xD

 **Disclaimer:** All characters (except for the slight mention of Albert Scavia) belong to J.K. Rowling; I only own the plot, sadly

 **Chapter One: Early Morning News**

It was Friday the 13th, and Severus Snape had been summoned to Dumbledore's office at 3:05 in the morning. He briskly swept across the hallways, desperately trying to keep his cool and ignoring the frenzy of cold gusts which were creeping in from the external school grounds. He cringed at what was going to happen as he reached the end of the third floor, Gargoyle Corridor.

" _Sher_ -bet lemon," he said through gritted teeth. It was way too much of a joyful word to exist in his vocabulary, and he absolutely despised saying it. He dragged his feet up the ascending staircase, careful not to get his robe caught in the cracks, and was eventually greeted with the cheery face of Albus Dumbledore. "Severus, please come in."

In entering, he also saw Minerva McGonagall, slightly more dishevelled than usual, and only a few other teachers who managed to wake themselves to be informed of Snape's new assignment. He turned to Dumbledore. "Albus, must you change your _pass_ -word again? _Coc_ -kroach _Clus_ -ters was fine. It takes me an incredible amount of _ef_ -fort to sa-"

"Sherbet lemon?" Dumbledore smiled his small mysterious smile, his eyes crinkling upwards as they always did when he was amused. "Why, it's my favourite sweet, Severus."

Mcgonagall chimed in beside him; "You ought to try one yourself, Severus; let us hope that a little sugar can brighten up those vile features for a change. Or maybe not…you're naturally vile."

Snape stared daggers at McGonagall. There had recently been a Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin and McGonagall had not at all been pleased when Slytherin managed to win by 150 points as a result of their 'tactics'.

Dumbledore pretended not to hear her, and continued on to clap his hands, eventually getting the attention of the mumbling staff. Tilting his half-moon glasses, he grinned mischievously at Snape, who merely gave him an indifferent glance.

"A few minutes past midnight, I received an owl from one of my dear Muggle friends, Albert Scavia. He is the principal at an elementary boarding school in Surrey, and unfortunately, the Year 2 Science teacher there has fallen devastatingly ill and cannot teach for as long as several weeks. Therefore…"

He paused for dramatic effect. "…I have told him our dear Potions master here will substitute for those few weeks!"

Dumbledore smiled widely as though he had just finished telling a fabulous story to a group of kindergarteners. The reaction in the staff was rather delayed as the news hit them. Snape, SNAPE was going to be teaching seven-year-olds at a Muggle school. McGonagall burst out laughing. It was quite rare to see her laugh this much, and soon the other teachers joined her in doing so, Flitwick so much he almost toppled off his chair. "Are you sure about this, Albus? I mean, this is Severus we're talking about. Not a jolly old man with a nice temper."

Dumbledore nodded calmly at McGonagall, while for the first time, Snape was lost for words. " _Me_ …mug- _gle_ school…year _two_ …" However, he regained his composure and looked Dumbledore in the eye. "Very well, Headmaster. When should I leave?"

"Now would be a good time. You shouldn't have to pack much," Dumbledore handed him a letter while smiling and tapping on it with his finger. "This contains the address and information you'll need to get started."


	2. Chapter 2: Back at Hogwarts

here's chapter two lovelies xx hope you enjoy

 **Disclaimer: All characters belong to Queen JKR**

Chapter 2: Back at Hogwarts

At 7:30am, Harry Potter was at his usual spot at the Gryffindor table with Ron on one side and Hermione facing them on the opposite side. It was a warm day, but not too warm to feel like your robes were sticking your skin. In fact, it would have been a perfect day if the two were bickering animatedly with Ron, in particular, waving his fork in the air as though he were conducting. Harry merely suppressed a groan as he half-heartedly moved his fork around his scrambled eggs. But there was a sudden change of atmosphere as Ron switched to another topic, stopping Hermione abruptly in the midst of her rant about Ron's table manners.

"Have you guys heard the news? Snape's going away for eleven weeks!" When the other two didn't respond much, he added. "That means almost THREE MONTHS of Potions without Snape. Bloody brilliant if you ask me."

"Yes, but Ron, didn't you hear about who's going to substitute for Snape in the meantime?"

"Dunno, probably some dimwit like Lockhart," he said, and after a moment of thought, "Mind you, I do hope they get someone decent," but with a mutter directly to Harry, "which means someone who doesn't expect to receive much homework on time."

With a roll of her eyes, Hermione pressed on. "Professor Trelawney's substituting Potions. I _know_ ," she groaned, looking at the horrified expressions on the other two's faces. "She's probably going to spend the entire time muttering about how our potion ingredients symbolise your forthcoming death, Harry."

Harry's eggs now seemed even more unappetising than before. This was going to be insane, especially with OWLs coming up so soon, and Potions had never been his best subject. But across the other side of the Great Hall, Draco Malfoy seemed even more bad-tempered than usual. "Merlin's most baggy y-fronts, my father will hear about this. No Snape! Can you believe this? Just before our OWLs as well." Crabbe and Goyle, however, didn't seem to mind as much, but nodded in agreement as they did to whatever Draco said, and carried on chewing through a pile of syrup-drowned pancakes in front of them. For once, most of the students agreed that their classes were going to be disastrous, but Neville couldn't help but feel a little relieved that he wasn't going to have a certain greasy-haired teacher breathing down his neck every few minutes.

That afternoon, the trio stopped by Hagrid's to share their newfound information and be swamped with hugs and a pile of enormous rock cakes. Although Hagrid had already heard rumours about Snape's "new temping job" as the students liked to call it, he still laughed heartily, mainly to give Ron satisfaction after his dramatic recount about overhearing ol' McGonagall. "I 'spect Dumbledore did it fer Snape to learn a bit o' patience. If he thinks that the firs' years are trouble, wait 'til he meets…" Hagrid broke off chuckling to himself again. "The Muggle kids, they're a curious lot, they are."

But after a generous helping of rock cakes, the reality of their first Potions lesson without Snape dawned on the three as they trudged back towards the castle and down to where the dungeons were lurking miserably. They were hardly a few metres away from the entrance before a loud, out-of-tune humming could be heard accompanied by the clashing and clattering from what was presumably Snape's storeroom. _Private_ storeroom too, if I may add. A scatter of students had turned up by now, and were mostly huddled at the far end of the classroom, as far as they could from where Professor Trelawney emerged with her glasses askew and her hair looking a little singed.

"Good EVENING students - er - afternoon. I…I seem to have been left some instructions for you to follow, um, let's see where are they…"

Hermione rolled her eyes impatiently as the woman fumbled around her pockets and finally extracted a roll of parchment which was at least a metre long. "Ahah! Yes, this lesson you shall be learning the Wiggenweld Potion, a healing potion with the power to awaken a person from a magically-induced sleep." The tone of her voice closely resembled that of a primary school student forced to recite school rules. "Ah, Mr Malfoy. Professor Snape tells me you're particularly skilled in Potions…perhaps you'd like to come up and demonstrate?"

Half hiding behind the giant forms of Crabbe and Goyle, Draco stood with a horrified expression frozen across his face. Harry couldn't see why he was so disturbed, after all, he did share a cauldron with Crabbe or Goyle most lessons. "Salamander blood...first," she continued in a high pitched voice. "Oh _bloody_ hell", Ron whispered while peering out behind his fingers as Professor Trelawney accidentally drops the content down Malfoy's front, triggering his rant about how "his father will hear about this". The rest of the lesson ended up going horrifically, with almost ten blown-up cauldrons (and less than half of them were the result of Seamus).

The class is eventually dismissed, with everyone about as dismal as they did when they entered. Robes singed with bits of potion stuck in your hair wasn't the best way to finish off the day, and things didn't get much better in the common room as the last thing the trio heard was McGonagall's insistent voice "…and remember fifth-years, your OWLs are nearing".


End file.
